FREEWRITE 012410.

it was a love that no one understood. not our friends. not our families. not even us. looking back, I can’t quite find the word to describe what it was. but we were. compelled by your eyes. enveloped in your hands. lost in your smile. danced in your laughter. i’m not sure where the pieces of 'happily ever after' went, but our puzzle slowly began to unravel along with the secrets we kept behind closed doors. Yet, somehow I managed to lock away your essence. so the gravitation pull from your shirt rubbing against my arm was almost intoxicating. such a simple action with such huge consequence. there is a fine line between coincidence and fate. so what were we? in love? in madness?

in / finite.

and I could blame the stars for our downfall. I could blame our doomed zodiac signs. I could blame the words we spoke. I could blame the words we didn’t speak. I could blame them. I could blame you. I could blame me. I could. But no matter where my finger points, you were always the destination. you were always the map. you were always the road and street signs telling me where to go. But I can no longer find you. your eyes are distant, even when they catch mine in small glances of hope. your hands don’t hold the letter’s that I used to be able to spell in my sleep. your smile is fading from my memory. and your laughter no longer exists. silence rests on the tip of my tongue, wanting to curl your name onto the roof of my mouth. craving for your scent to blossom onto my neck. somehow this gravitational pull is weighing heavy on my mind as if your being was made of bricks. Pricking my eyes with needles for crossing my heart to many times, hoping to die within the second you inhale and then be reborn in your exhale. but I am failing to understand the mathematics of this equation. trying to come up with simple answers because I have too many question marks burnt into my skin. I have these scars now from slit wrists and drugged veins. Even after they told me to be still. I couldn't help but run to you, even after my legs failed me. Even after your car tires left marks on my heels. Even after my life was almost shattered. I run. And I run. And I run. To you. To us.

To / morrow.

I have come to love everything that was wrong with us. All of the lies, all of the deceit. All of the times where our puzzle didn't seem compete. Because despite those imperfections, despite the pride, despite how much I wanted to hate you, I loved you. And I love that. We had all the pieces but could never see the picture quite clear enough. Blurred eyes from tears that fled down dimpled cheeks. Burning through blank pages. Spilling ink onto broken hearts. watching memories bruise from the constant blows from our fists.Twisting words to make fallacy look like reality. I can no longer keep track of how many times you enter my dreams. Per night. Per day. Per hour.

Per / fect.

I will continue to hum your name in the middle of the night, and listen to songs about water, and continue to reminisce on moments where we slow danced to foreign exchanges and got lost in adored kisses and lovely eyed glances. I'll never forget what romance was. And maybe in time, our distance will force our pieces to search for each other, and the picture will make its way to plain view. Maybe your eyes will hold that desire I long for. Maybe your hands will fit inside mine as they always did. Maybe your smile will swallow mine. Maybe your laughter will resurrect and we will remember why we ever fell in the first place. And maybe all the bruises and the scars will begin to fade. Maybe we will prove them wrong. Maybe love will not remain a myth. Maybe old memories will be replaced by today's grin. Maybe the stars will align in our favor and our zodiac signs will defy gravity. Maybe we will be whatever we are and just be content with fact that we can be we without restraint.

May / be

Love, Tianamonique.

MIYM #19

I don't need you to make me feel sexy, I am quite capable of making myself feel gorgeous. I don’t need your hands to touch my most quiet spots, I know the routes very well. I don’t need you to whisper your fantasies into my ears, I can sing my own in lovely notes. I don’t need you to say my name, it sounds better on my tongue. I don’t need you to tell me i’m beautiful in every synonymn, I have little insecurities. I don't need you to hold me, my palms are willing to do that. I don't need you to save me, I know very well how to be heroic. I don't need you to stay, I don't mind being alone. I don't need you to miss me, I prefer my space.

I don’t need you to tell me you love me. Because I just don’t.

Just because.

The Hardest Part About Love.

Let me make one thing clear.
No, I am not the 'clingy' type and
No, I do not NEED your attention.
You just so happened to be there
So I accepted.
Your arm wrapped around my waist,
Your hards searching for the gaps
In between my fingers
So you could enlace yours with mine.
Your fingertips perfectly touching the middle
Of my palms
You invited yourself into these thoughts.
I never asked to be filled but you
Spilled your lyrics into me anyways leaving
No cracks in between my attempts to tell you to rewind
Cuz those words left permanent wounds where
Scars had already claimed residency
And I can't say that I didn't enjoy it because I did.
But you fail to understand what happened
See, I have this box full of men that have
Touched and left.
Leaving their fingertprints frozen into me
Encrypted like code
If love had a diary, you could read it on my skin
Like braile with your eyed closed.
This box, with the image of men dented
From my unaswered questions
Starting from when his
16 year old hands touched my 9 year old body
Causing internal bruising from losing all of my innocence
I understood the definition of sex
Before I knew what love was.
Kissing away my youth at the age of 15 when my
Virginity was stolen by a man who claimed he loved me
Crying blank tears of regrets
And now I'm trying forget everything my heart loves to remember.
See touching is the hardest part about love.
It is not about fucking.
That is easy.
Easy to forget my last name and to swallow my fathers
Words claiming no man can love me more
Easy to close the door on my common sense
But it is the opening part that they always forget
To mention in fairy tales
And no, I didn't expect you to be my prince charming
But damn.
I am tired of adding names to this venemous list
Tired of being kissed and it be meaningless
Playing guilty when really I am innocent
And I don't blame my missing pieces on you
I was broken far before your name became existant
But you have stained the back of my neck with your breath
And now the gaps in between my fingers are
Beginning to miss your sweet entanglment
And that would have never happened if
You had not snaked your way down my arm
To dig into realms that were never yours to explore
I've endured much worse so please don't think
That this is your fault
But that night you poured salt into fresh wounds
Without even asking if I needed a bandage
Cuz you were so concerned with leaving that
You didn't realize I was bleeding
Wondering how many women have been imprinted with your scent
And like the rest, you left.
And I refuse to chase senseless men.
So the next time you want to go around tangling fingers
You might wanna ask where her hands have been.

Love, Tianamonique

Merry Christmas Guys!

Hope everyone has an amazing day! =D

Love, Tianamonique.