I Be Nine.

Sandpaper Walls.

I wish I could have built walls for you my dear.

You have become the victim of stricken winds

That refuse to understand your beauty.

You are that but a grain of sand

And he has always been your weakness.

You stray from the comfort of

Beaches to be blown away by

Winds that claim they will protect you.

But I watch as he picks you up and blows

You in whichever direction he choses,

And painfully I watch you lose yourself to the

Mouth of an ocean who never took the time

To learn how to pronounce your name.

He was never the image that love has painted,

Instead he is a mirage of what pain has created.

Distancing yourself from reality only to swim

Within his lies.

I wish I could have built walls for you.

Walls tall enough to keep his eyes hidden.

Walls tight enough so that his

Scent could not seep through the cracks.

I wish I could have protected you.

I wish I could have changed the seasons

So that the winds were not so heavy on your fingertips.

Again, he has swept through and taken your strength.

He has poisoned your mind to make you think

That you are the lucky one.

Made you believe that without him

You were just another grain of sand.

Another insignificant piece of land,

So you lost your motive to stand strong.

Dug up your roots and pretended not to hear

Us calling your name -

Or maybe you have forgotten what it sounds like.

It is true - I have been struck by harsh winds many times

And I sadly have the scars to prove it.

But I have built these walls perfectly.

They are made with tiny grains of sand.

Millions upon millions stacked upon one another

Dampened with the tears i've cried for years.

My lovely grains of sand, who have stood beside me

On night's where I thought I would crumble.

Days that I thought would never end.

Hour's that I thought would hold me hostage.

Minutes that took my breath away.

Seconds that I will never get back.

I wish I could have built walls for you.

To keep him out.

To keep us in.

To help you remember your name when he

Misplaced it.

To keep your beauty somewhere safe.

To have shielded you from the

Harsh winds his fists blow.

I wish.

But I know that if I did, he would find another way in.

You would leave trails for him.

And we, the tiny of grains of sand that have always loved you, would be left

Wondering where it was you went.

So again, we will watch from the other side

As you drift away with your wind,

And pray that one day you regain the strength

To build your own walls.

Love, Tianamonique.

Part Deux.

Hearts have never been as undefined as ours.
They have been written within warm bed sheets
Smeared in lace and cotton.
Hung upon curved smiles.
They have been placed in between the spaces
Where we attempted to catch our breath
From nights we couldn't sleep.
And it is within these moments where I take in
Your every exhale, breathing in every part of you
That I have welcomed into my heavens.
No need to doubt this.
I will spread my love across your table.
I will embellish your name on my thighs.
I will curl your scent onto my tongue.
I will wrap your beautiful neck with the tips of my fingers.
And I will lock away every secret you whisper
And let you take me on trips of ecstasy
To oceans unknown.

Because although our envisions were a little dimmed, my ordinary words still sings hymns!

Religiously inclined to your majestic and godly eyes
Calling your name in high pitched sins.
I have not forgotten what it feels like to miss you,
So now that you are here, I refuse to dismiss you.
Let me kiss you, and watch as your scars fade from view.
Let's re-write the rules of love and say that the stars
Told us that we were destined.
And that 11:11 was created by us.
And that poetry resides in your smile.
And that the world rotates only by the command of your voice.
And that gravity merely an excuse to keep us from flying.

I have never been able to sum up your being within these words
For there are no true words that could describe our two hearts.
But I suppose U & I are the perfect way to be perfectly undefined.

Love,
Tianamonique.

FREEWRITE 012410.

it was a love that no one understood. not our friends. not our families. not even us. looking back, I can’t quite find the word to describe what it was. but we were. compelled by your eyes. enveloped in your hands. lost in your smile. danced in your laughter. i’m not sure where the pieces of 'happily ever after' went, but our puzzle slowly began to unravel along with the secrets we kept behind closed doors. Yet, somehow I managed to lock away your essence. so the gravitation pull from your shirt rubbing against my arm was almost intoxicating. such a simple action with such huge consequence. there is a fine line between coincidence and fate. so what were we? in love? in madness?

in / finite.

and I could blame the stars for our downfall. I could blame our doomed zodiac signs. I could blame the words we spoke. I could blame the words we didn’t speak. I could blame them. I could blame you. I could blame me. I could. But no matter where my finger points, you were always the destination. you were always the map. you were always the road and street signs telling me where to go. But I can no longer find you. your eyes are distant, even when they catch mine in small glances of hope. your hands don’t hold the letter’s that I used to be able to spell in my sleep. your smile is fading from my memory. and your laughter no longer exists. silence rests on the tip of my tongue, wanting to curl your name onto the roof of my mouth. craving for your scent to blossom onto my neck. somehow this gravitational pull is weighing heavy on my mind as if your being was made of bricks. Pricking my eyes with needles for crossing my heart to many times, hoping to die within the second you inhale and then be reborn in your exhale. but I am failing to understand the mathematics of this equation. trying to come up with simple answers because I have too many question marks burnt into my skin. I have these scars now from slit wrists and drugged veins. Even after they told me to be still. I couldn't help but run to you, even after my legs failed me. Even after your car tires left marks on my heels. Even after my life was almost shattered. I run. And I run. And I run. To you. To us.

To / morrow.

I have come to love everything that was wrong with us. All of the lies, all of the deceit. All of the times where our puzzle didn't seem compete. Because despite those imperfections, despite the pride, despite how much I wanted to hate you, I loved you. And I love that. We had all the pieces but could never see the picture quite clear enough. Blurred eyes from tears that fled down dimpled cheeks. Burning through blank pages. Spilling ink onto broken hearts. watching memories bruise from the constant blows from our fists.Twisting words to make fallacy look like reality. I can no longer keep track of how many times you enter my dreams. Per night. Per day. Per hour.

Per / fect.

I will continue to hum your name in the middle of the night, and listen to songs about water, and continue to reminisce on moments where we slow danced to foreign exchanges and got lost in adored kisses and lovely eyed glances. I'll never forget what romance was. And maybe in time, our distance will force our pieces to search for each other, and the picture will make its way to plain view. Maybe your eyes will hold that desire I long for. Maybe your hands will fit inside mine as they always did. Maybe your smile will swallow mine. Maybe your laughter will resurrect and we will remember why we ever fell in the first place. And maybe all the bruises and the scars will begin to fade. Maybe we will prove them wrong. Maybe love will not remain a myth. Maybe old memories will be replaced by today's grin. Maybe the stars will align in our favor and our zodiac signs will defy gravity. Maybe we will be whatever we are and just be content with fact that we can be we without restraint.

May / be

Love, Tianamonique.