FREEWRITE 012410.

it was a love that no one understood. not our friends. not our families. not even us. looking back, I can’t quite find the word to describe what it was. but we were. compelled by your eyes. enveloped in your hands. lost in your smile. danced in your laughter. i’m not sure where the pieces of 'happily ever after' went, but our puzzle slowly began to unravel along with the secrets we kept behind closed doors. Yet, somehow I managed to lock away your essence. so the gravitation pull from your shirt rubbing against my arm was almost intoxicating. such a simple action with such huge consequence. there is a fine line between coincidence and fate. so what were we? in love? in madness?

in / finite.

and I could blame the stars for our downfall. I could blame our doomed zodiac signs. I could blame the words we spoke. I could blame the words we didn’t speak. I could blame them. I could blame you. I could blame me. I could. But no matter where my finger points, you were always the destination. you were always the map. you were always the road and street signs telling me where to go. But I can no longer find you. your eyes are distant, even when they catch mine in small glances of hope. your hands don’t hold the letter’s that I used to be able to spell in my sleep. your smile is fading from my memory. and your laughter no longer exists. silence rests on the tip of my tongue, wanting to curl your name onto the roof of my mouth. craving for your scent to blossom onto my neck. somehow this gravitational pull is weighing heavy on my mind as if your being was made of bricks. Pricking my eyes with needles for crossing my heart to many times, hoping to die within the second you inhale and then be reborn in your exhale. but I am failing to understand the mathematics of this equation. trying to come up with simple answers because I have too many question marks burnt into my skin. I have these scars now from slit wrists and drugged veins. Even after they told me to be still. I couldn't help but run to you, even after my legs failed me. Even after your car tires left marks on my heels. Even after my life was almost shattered. I run. And I run. And I run. To you. To us.

To / morrow.

I have come to love everything that was wrong with us. All of the lies, all of the deceit. All of the times where our puzzle didn't seem compete. Because despite those imperfections, despite the pride, despite how much I wanted to hate you, I loved you. And I love that. We had all the pieces but could never see the picture quite clear enough. Blurred eyes from tears that fled down dimpled cheeks. Burning through blank pages. Spilling ink onto broken hearts. watching memories bruise from the constant blows from our fists.Twisting words to make fallacy look like reality. I can no longer keep track of how many times you enter my dreams. Per night. Per day. Per hour.

Per / fect.

I will continue to hum your name in the middle of the night, and listen to songs about water, and continue to reminisce on moments where we slow danced to foreign exchanges and got lost in adored kisses and lovely eyed glances. I'll never forget what romance was. And maybe in time, our distance will force our pieces to search for each other, and the picture will make its way to plain view. Maybe your eyes will hold that desire I long for. Maybe your hands will fit inside mine as they always did. Maybe your smile will swallow mine. Maybe your laughter will resurrect and we will remember why we ever fell in the first place. And maybe all the bruises and the scars will begin to fade. Maybe we will prove them wrong. Maybe love will not remain a myth. Maybe old memories will be replaced by today's grin. Maybe the stars will align in our favor and our zodiac signs will defy gravity. Maybe we will be whatever we are and just be content with fact that we can be we without restraint.

May / be

Love, Tianamonique.