September Indigo.

I'm living but I'm not alive.

Where's the sunshine?

Did the run rise?

I feel it in my thighs.

The burning sighs in

The hallows of my throat

The deadened silence

Of my poetry ridden notes

Always coped well with loneliness,

No surprise that i'm alone in this.

Writing to get rid of this.

I hear the lies they hiss,

Blaming me for the missing sun,

Look at what love's become.

A chase around moon's and

Nights filled with doom

Misused and cold

Shivering bones, frozen like stone

And I can play guilty for only so long.

Bliss is what I seek,

Uncertainty is what I find.

A kiss upon my cheek,

It wasn't real so never mind.

Love and reality never intertwined,

Vines of self hatred, and cursed manipulations,

Tattooed vibrations, rehearsed defamation.

It was a brutal assassination.

Slaughtered dreams with no investigation.

You are the thieves; not me.

Stealing sunshines, and moon beams,

Left in darkness to get lost in.

I'm being held hostage

And they call me anonymous.

They say i'm their enemy,

An unknown rival,

Now i'm fighting for survival

Praying for revival.

They say i'm guilty,

When all I did was love.

The weight of feeling

As insignificant as humanly

Possible is so heavy on my tongue

That i'm biting the inside

Of my cheeks just to keep from

Going numb.

I have a poem written in my veins

Screaming to be read,

Feigning to be bled.

The bruised words left unsaid

Remain in liquid form

Spilling onto transparent floors

Is my heart still beating?

I can't tell anymore.

Intoxicated thoughts

And mindless dreams

Floating through

Insatiable seams.

Sewing together

Blank tears and

Hoarse screams.

Inconsistent means never

Following through.

And i'm through.

With wishing things from you

And them, and her and he

And we will remain strangers

Until I find some familiarity.

They say they hate me.

But the ones hated are the most sacred

And almost always underestimated.

Count our scars and you'll have

Memorized the constellations,

We deserve stars.

I'm going through these phases

Making drastic changes

I'm learning how to save this.

Keep them in my archives,

To look back on when I forget

How to be alive.

When the seasons start feeling like suicides

And hello's feel like genocides

I've been kissing black roses

Exposing my heart

To thorns and love potions

Bled devine devotion

Insignificant emotions

Flooded oceans of

Crumbling tears.

It is here that I realize

How incredibly beautiful lonesome can be.

Eyes swell like bee stings,

And mosquito bites,

And bruised lips.

But swelling is just a healing process.

A form of protection.

And i'm in need of body guards.

So my heart's building an army

Kill your sorry's; you're my quarry.

Murdering lies with no warning.

Because i'm tired of being disposable

People get close to you, then dispose of you,

What do you suppose I do?

I lust for some truth; some proof

That i'm not crazy.

That the sun was stolen from behind enemy lines.

They made me think that for one moment

I went that blind.

They thieved their way into making me

Believe that it was me.

My fault that my heart was shattered.

That my memories were fables

That the songs in my head

Were lies.

They made me suffer.

They told me I asked for this.

To live in darkness.

To be blind of reality.

And maybe that holds some truth

I may have said I wanted serenity

And quiet

And a little peace of mind.

I may have said that I was exhausted

From pretending to not be as broken as I am,

But never did I say it was okay for anyone

To steal my light.

To steal my fire.

They are liars.

Playing innocent because they don't know any better.

They twisted the story.

Became victims.

They said I was filthy.

Put me on trial.

They pleaded not guilty

So convincing, they played their roles well.

It's amazing the lies they so easily tell.

They won; succeeded in stealing the sun.

Now they think they shine so brightly.

Casting shade on my name.

They stole my warmth.

My heat.

Forgetting it was me who put out the rain

In the first place.

That it was me who broke open the clouds

In order for them to breathe.

I thought it was a dream,

But still I awoke cold and alone.

There are no happy endings to sad stories

And this scripture cried in me,

Left in a world of darkness,

This poem will die with me.

And it will be unremembered.

Like the last words of a forgotten soldier.

And while they beam,

And glow,

And smile with sunshine,

They'll know.

When they lay their heads at night

They too will cry and remember

That they used to love me.

Love, Tianamonique.

Storytellers.

I could miss you in lifetimes.

Daydream in decades.

Love in seconds.

Your memory still haunts

Like childhood insecurities.

You are the scars on my wrists.

The blood in my veins

The insanity that keeps my thoughts sane.

Let me relive the stories

And tell them in my sleep

I could write them

Across your tongue

And pretend that

We never kept secrets

And pretend that we didn't lie.

I could travel back in time

And hug you stronger

Kiss you longer

We could revive these stories

They're as alive as we.

As along as we keep them breathing

We can still laugh

And dance

In the middle of rooms

For no reason

And we can love each other

For reasons unknown

And it wont matter

Or make a difference

Because it will be real

And we won't be afraid of being

Honest

And in love

Feed off of your brilliance

You are the inspiration

Behind everything

That i make

And i will honor your existence through poetry

And love you through words

Close my eyes

And imagine you

Standing there

In all of your beauty

Smiling

And touching my face

Like you used to

These stories will not fade

We made them ours

And will never be replaced.

You will be the story

I retell to myself

Recite it until i fall asleep

Rewrite it on blank pillows.

Find my way back to your memory

Like I never left.

Pass them down and let them

Make their own history.

Create oral traditions,

Maybe we could become

Classics.

Love has it written in your eyes

Sad to know that the words

That used to describe me and you

Are bruised.

Infused with lies and tall tales

That we told.

Sold millions of stories to each other,

And bought thousands more.

And now all I wish do is write you

Love letters, and

Happily ever afters,

And lyrics and

Poems.

And remember, that not all of the

Stories ended badly.

Bye You.

We met in shallow waters.

Under silly circumstances.

Swimming was never an option,

But floating was effortless

In your rivers, and streams.

I drank from your thoughts

And lived off of the idea of love.

I jumped off diving boards to reach you.

Penetrating through currents

I knew my small frame could not handle

But your face

Always kept my heart at a steady pace

Lacing rocks with your smile,

Until you were a blur.

A melody that I held my breath for

You were the air that I always ran out of.

Gasping for a piece of sanity.

Raising my head above water

Only to find out that I

Was still drowning in your memory.

We hit rock bottom.

Plummeted to the deep end.

You never taught me how to swim.

I attempted but failed.

Sailed alone.

Cold, I shivered my way through love

Pretended you were the beach,

I dreamed of.

Palm trees and coconuts and open blue skies.

Seas painted with

Picassos's brush; The rush of waves

Against our skin.

I imagined sand between my fingers

And you holding shells up to my ears

Asking if I could hear the ocean yet.

I thought

That if we could just make it.

If we could surf the waves,

If we could survive the currents,

We would come out alive

And in love.

But instead; I bled.

And you were the shark.

And you bit me till I fell apart.

Nothing left but bruises and

Half a heart.

So i'm back at the start.

In these shallows waters.

Too afraid of the deep end;

Because I was never taught how to swim.

Catching my breath from the currents

That rocked me to sleep.

Here I am; heart locked

Sitting with my feet dangling from the dock.

Skimming emerald rocks,

Tears flooding as I watch

You fade away; because we got lost.

And Im on a mission to find me again,

So as we say farewell my friend.

I say hello to me at the bayou.

Love, Tianamonique.

Secrets.

I've been holding secrets.

Placing them in boxes

And locking them with

Poison filled kisses.

Hiding from the truths

That my tongue shuns.

We speak, only through memory.

Stilled moments of

Yesterday's grin are dim,

But lively.

They sing with tomorrow's hope.

Tying my thoughts with rope

Stringing them together

Until they make sense.

I'm not looking for answers.

I'm just searching for progress.

Trying to untangle this mess.

Suppress these feelings of being useless.

Jumping through hoops of regret

Running on heated coals

Forgetting my mission,

Misplacing my goals.

Unfold my heart and you'll find

A beaten soul.

Misery loves company,

But I prefer to be alone.

So I build walls around

Secrets.

Chained emotions.

Prisoned tears that flow

From my heart's ocean.

Days run wild.

Moments move in slow motion.

Anything I thought I remembered,

I've forgotten.

But I find myself reliving moments

That make their way back

To my silent hours.

Moments of slow breathing.

And love dealings.

And scars healing.

I know they existed as much as

I know my heart's beating.

And I am tired of these ill feelings.

Creeping from the ceilings of

My past.

Casting shade on my reflection.

Causing me to avoid mirrors.

But I am ready to face myself now because

I know that love is not doomed forever.

And I know that life moves on.

And I know time is not promised.

And days are no guarantee.

I am washing away

These dark ashes from my palms

And folding them together to pray

Onto someone, anyone willing to listen.

I will not ask for a miracle.

But I will ask for forgiveness and wisdom.

I'm awake

Fully aware of my mistakes

Taking small steps back to happiness.

Taking back the pieces that

I naively gave away

Rearranging the puzzle.

Solving the riddle.

Find the missing key.

Untying the knots.

Exposing the thoughts

That i've held captive.

Letting them go and

Catching up to the life i've missed.

Avoiding those

With a vendetta against getting better.

Moving forward.

Pressing play.

Pausing only to catch my breath.

Remember love in it's purity.

Sing songs, and write poetry.

I will begin to live and I promise

There will be no more secrets.

Love, Tianamonique.