When The Beginning Ends .

Its like..

All I want to do is fall asleep

Like I used to.

When the sound of your breath

Hitting the back of my neck used to

Hum me into the sweetest of dreams

And I just want to wake up

Like I used to.

With the morning sun

Hitting the top of your eyelids

Creating shadows of your eyelashes

Onto my cheeks.

And I want to walk like I used to.

When I proudly strolled next to your

Brilliance

Lucky to even to be in your presence.

I want to sing like I used to.

But somehow you stole my voice.

Or maybe it just disappeared after you left.

Or maybe it's still here, I just haven't realized it yet.

I don't know.

And that scares me.

Afraid of forever being lost in this state of not knowing

Maybe i'm not even lost..

Maybe I just haven't been found.

Its like..

I'm trying to forget everything.

But remembering nothing.

And feeling something that I used to know

But anything numb's me.

So I intoxicate the veins

And poison the brains

And kill the pains.

Because falling out of love is insane.

And I blame

You.

It's like…

I'm holding hands with yesterday

Trying to pretend like it's beautiful.

Closing my eyes and seeing all

The good scene's play and skipping all the

Part's where we slammed doors,

And killed each other's souls

You remember .

The way the lies crept

Underneath carpets

Into the bedsheets

Where we sinned night after night

Serpents with bright red apples

We ate them without shame

I blame you.

For everything.

And sometimes I feel bad about it

But it's like…

My heart breaks everyday.

And I'm running out of pieces to give away.

August Confession.

To be honest; I never needed the sun.
It was you I was running away from.
And throughout this journey,
I've found myself.
And I am no longer afraid of the dark.
For that, I thank you.

Love, Tianamonique.

July Verdict .

I don't blame you, you know.

If I were you, I wouldn't love me too.

I'm complex and melancholy

And sometimes my heart travels

Faster than my mind

So i'm usually out of breath

For trying to catch up with lost time

Always blind,

Bumping into memories

I tried to leave behind

But you always remind me

Why I can't forget.

I always let you and your sweet smile

Invade the secrets

I was trying to keep to myself

You always did have a way

Of making transparency seem effortless.

And I don't blame you for not

Liking what you see.

My insides are probably

Ugly and scream with twisted

Theories and dark dreams

Sun beams are buried in yesterday's

Summer breeze.

Now everything is frozen over.

But it still feels familiar

The walls collapsing.

The tornadoes swirling.

The heart race climbing.

Yeah, I've been here before.

It's like a dream revisited

Except this time,

There are no good mornings

And no laughter.

I though that in coming back,

I'd find you.

With your crooked smile

And your pretty hands

Ready to dance in our memories

Ready to tell me the secrets

You've kept since you've been away,

But instead

I was greeted by misery's silent smirk

Dodging the harsh blows of fists,

There was noise,

But there was no music.

Did we lose it?

Our summer's always need too soon,

Those pretty June's and mindless July's

Memorized your smile and played it as

The soundtrack of our memories.

This may be the death of me,

Swimming to the deep end of thee

Unable to breathe, suffocating on tears

That your wrapped around my neck

But still I do no blame you, love.

And sometimes I even forgive you for

Stealing everything that was mine

All that time wasted pretending it wasn't you

When it always was

You stole my sun.

Every cursed name you called me,

and infectious touch you handed me,

And every lie you stranded me with.

You used words to hurt me,

And actions to give me validation.

The humiliation follows me in shadows.

Drowning in our story

We could've had happily ever after

If you would have just let me finish

Writing it.

Love, Tianamonique.

May Murderer.

He was built for an evil mission.

I forgot to listen to my intuition,

Slowing letting my guard down

He became my addiction.

That silent assassin,

His presence was magic

And he intoxicated my lungs

With his sweet scent.

We spent

Hours joking about revolutions,

And singing wars into the night skies,

Interlocking stolen kisses and

Penning promises onto unworthy tongues.

I knew he was dangerous,

I loved anyways.

He was stitched with a

Different type of needle

He was supposed to take my heart

And shoot bullets unknown to the core

Instead he sent fireworks to my empty world.

Bursting into flames, my heart

Didn't have enough time to shied itself.

Now i'm dusting off the melancholy I placed

Upon the shelf.

Catching my breath, it's hard to inhale

Knowing my exhale was once consumed

By your sweet smile.

Because now where there was once sparks

There are skid marks of a train crash.

I'm stuck in rehab.

Trying to comprehend where we got lost.

I lost.

I surrendered.

White flagged up, reverting back to December.

My revolutions are turning against me.

I saw the sun beaming in his pocket.

I just wanted touch.

But I held on for too long, my fingers got burned.

He knew.

He knew how far I'd wandered,

How many hours i'd spent wondering

And searching for what was mine in the first place.

He knew how many tears i'd cried in the middle of the night.

He knew my secrets.

And spread them across the table in front of everyone

That evil assassin.

He never did love me.

Killing souls was his profession,

And he murdered mine with ease.

He was a murderer. A silent assassin as I like to call them.

Slithering his snake like tongue down my throat.

Making me choke on every poisonous lie he so easily dripped into me.

And to think, I wasted my breath asking him to love me.

Love, Tianamonique

*I meant to post this last night.. but I forgot. Sue me.

April PoeTree's.

I've found inspiration in crazy places.
Tucked behind corners.
Fallen behind bed frames.
In between couch pillows.
It's all the same to me.
I remember sitting in my 7th grade algebra class
And writing my first poem.
Corny rhymes and short lines,
I needed a way to express the way I felt inside.
I found some in green eyed hues
A muse I held on to for many moons.
I created masterpieces with his prescense.
I wrote pages and pages,
Filling them to the brim with emerald metaphors.
He never did adore them, but nonetheless
They were his.
I found some in my great grandmother.
Though I did not know her well, we shared the same color.
And my favorite scent was her favorite flower.
I found some when I was fifteen.
Silly in love, he filled up my teenage woes
And my naive heartbreak tales all belong to his
Country accent.
I've spent hours scribbling silly words
and making nonsense out of nothing.
But these words are my very existence.
You can trace them down to my very core.
Follow the trail to my heart and you'll find,
Bishop, Dickenson, and Langston's smiles along the way.
I've found love in the stoke of pens hitting
Notebook pages.
Infatuated with similes and metaphors.
And it used to be a hobby; now it's a habit.
Writing down everything that my heart
Feels, and doesn't.
Sometimes they are drunken thoughts;
Most are sober dreams.
But it seems like my relationship with words
Is the only one that has ever lasted.
Love, and passion, and romance seem
To be to far from my reach.
But these words form on the tip of tongue,
Ready to be spit.
There is not room for love here.
Not in these notebooks.
Not in these thoughts.
And I am not sad, nor bitter
About the loss of will that I used to have for love,
For it has only grown my adoration for words even stronger.
Building this garden has not been easy,
But look how my tree's are growing.
The leaves are blooming beautifully,
And I am honored to call them mine.
Stemming from years of heartbreak,
They taught themselves how to grow in the dark.
Yes, even in my darkness days,
My beautiful words were strong.
They held on, even when I couldn't.
And look, as the sun makes is way back,
They are not phased.
And they remind me everyday, that even in
Those places of loneliness, and
Heartache, and neglect, and carelessness,
They will always remain true and faithful.
And I thank you.
I thank the inspiration i've received to make
These words believe in me.
And all I hope, is that I continue growing
Along with these poetrees.

Love, Tianamonique.

March Ingon.

I'm a soldier.

Salute me or get murdered.

Never cross enemies lines

Is what I told her .

Respect my queendom

If you want to keep your freedom,

I have this feeling of

Authority and i'm not sure where it came from,

But I feel obliged to keep

My heart in tact; beware of attack.

Thoughts hijacked by mistaken allies.

Forsaken lies; I will not compromise.

I see the boys and I hear the cries

They try too hard to hide.

But I told you.

I'm no longer your prisoner.

I'm the commander.

You demanded her; A battle I let myself lose.

But you lost when I let you choose.

Sing me your blues as I fall asleep

Next to someone new.

I've been waiting for the day for you to realize

The magnitude of what you put me through.

But it's time to move.

Running through the cluster of

Broken promises, and swallowing words that are stained

On the back of my throat.

I understand now that there was no remedy to be found,

Loving myself was the only antidote,

I coped well; considering all the lies these silent

Assassins tell.

Told and sold dreams with unraveling seams.

It's never as seems so be careful what it is you believe.

Fairy tales are fake stories, but I'm making real

Happily ever afters.

Capturing my laughter and bottling my smile

All the while fighting the demons that

Take over my silent nights, but this is a fight

I will not lose.

No more melancholy hues will linger around these walls.

Standing tall; suited up.

Shoe's shined and ready to regulate on those

Who hate.

Silencing the debate on whether not I'll make it.

Breaking through the curses,

I heard them.

They were whispers, but they crept

Up my neck and I could feel the chill

In their voices.

They used to speak so coldly.

I remember feeling so frozen from the harsh

Words of their winter tongues, but i've hung

Those up to dry in my spring like gardens.

What you think is hardly true, love.

I used to live freely, without rules, love.

Until you started creating them, impossible to

Oblige to.

I tried to; you watched me.

I failed you and i'm sorry.

But now i'm sergeant.

Taking commands from no man.

Forgetting the plots and the remedies

Taking shots at the enemies.

From now on, i'm defending me.

Never surrendering my heart

For someone who will ignore it.

No more white flags, this is war.

And i'm ready.

With my scars drawn and

My wounds open.

This is not my first battle, nor will it be my last.

But I have an army behind me.

The sunken soldiers, the beaten

Prisoners, the wounded souls,

The bloodied victims.

Here we come, murdering those

In our way of the sun.

I've had enough.

I'm tough, but this road has been rough.

And I deserve honors and medals.

So ad ease, soldier.

I'll do this with ease, soldier.

Watch me do as I please, soldier.

And maybe one day you'll become an ally,

Till then, let the battles rise.

Love, Tiana Monique

February Celebration .

They said they would let me go for good behavior.

Said I've endured the worst and it was almost over.

So I got to inhale sweet breezes.

And break through the stone my cheeks were in and

Form a somewhat decent smile.

I was free.

They untied me.

And I thought I deserved it.

Deserved star lit skies, and

Sun beamed mornings and nights filled with gold.

I deserved ruby slippers and yellow brick roads.

I put on my pretty dress, slid the straps

Over my heavy shoulders.

I painted my nails.

A pretty lilac color.

Reminded me of Minnesota summers

And my great grandmother.

I applied my makeup, slowly.

Filling in every line.

I was a queen.

Crowned myself with good intentions

And I overruled their evil one's.

I screamed in the happiest voice I've ever known.

Released the linked chains they

Kept on my ankles.

I was no longer their prisoner

And it was a celebration.

I placed pretty curls in my hair

And let the wind blow through the strands

Untied my hands and bent my fingers,

Dusted the dirt off my palms with a smile

They told me I was beautiful.

This coming from those who had made

Me feel internally ugly for months.

This coming from men who forgot our history.

This coming from women who once

Despised my name.

This coming from the one's I blamed

For my misfortune.

I've been trapped inside my own head.

The tears were bled;

Red and cold; I had become only skin and bone.

But now, there is a familiar warmth

A reminiscent glow from a place

I place I thought had disappeared.

The fear they placed in my eyes

Will never fade,

And neither will the scars that they placed on name

But it would be a shame to waste a day

Thinking I didn't deserve a say in my own happiness.

So i'm writing my own fairytale.

Creating my own happily ever after

Instead of chasing men that will end in disaster .

All of these inconsistent happinesses

Broken promises

I've heard a lot of this

The darkness is only what the light looks like

When it's sleeping.

But it's my turn to wake up.

These sleeping eyelids are heavy

But i'm ready and willing

To be happy.

There are things people have taken from me.

Emotions, and memories combined.

But I have never been left empty handed.

What they think they have taken from me

Is only a small fragment of what I've stolen from them.

And it may take a while until they realize

What is really missing; and it won't be me,

It will be their common sense.

For thinking they could keep in cages,

The thought enrages me

I'm now living dangerously.

Taking chances and forgetting about the past

It's a beautiful moment to see.

You could have loved me.

But you chose not to, and that is okay.

Because although your rejection was brutal

I know it wasn't truthful.

Lying to yourself to make you believe you don't need me.

And I hope for your sake you do not,

Because i'm leaving.

After months of putting myself through hell,

And being locked in that horrible darkness,

The sun is slowly making it's way back to me.

I'm putting my melancholy mask on the shelf.

And for the first time in my life, i'd like to make a toast

To my damn self.

CHEERS !

Love, Tianamonique.

January Whatever.

II guess they call this a new beginning.

And I guess I'm supposed to dry my tears

With last years handkerchief, throw it away

And pretend like the bruises on my heart

Don't exist and that the evil words that were spoken

Aren't still rotting in my minds closet.

Pretend like i'm not exhausted from running around

Stereotypes, and expectations, and love affairs,

This is unfair.

With the truth comes despair,

And i'm living in a constant state of misery.

It's filling me to the brim; even though the light is dim,

I can still feel him.

Breathing poison down my throat as he fucks and chokes.

Trying to cover up sins with jokes, blowing smoke to fog my vision.

It used to be so clear.

[I feel like i'm just rewriting the same thing

With new words and it's becoming redundant.]

I guess I was supposed to write something

That blossomed.

I suppose it would be nice to read something

Less dark.

Less dramatic.

Maybe some romantic shit.

Spit something light so your conscience

Doesn't ache when you read these lines.

I'm fine; I just have wounds that haven't been addressed yet.

Do you know what it's like

To have your scars on display?

I guess they say its pathetic and not poetic.

And I guess being yourself isn't what they're looking for.

And I guess that when you try to argue

Your way out of the truth then you're just a lie.

And why is that every time I try and convince myself

That this is how it's supposed to be, I cry.

I always wonder how many times you can die.

I guess heaven is supposed to be where it ends,

And I guess being a saint ain't as easy as the bible said,

So HELLo to lucifer, and the goblins, and walking dead.

Words are poisonous.

And they will eat away at your memories until

They are engraved into your skin.

Because they don't ever want you to forget.

So they leave reminders.

The shadows that we call love never fade.

You're never quite the same after you've

Experienced high volumes of pain.

So blame the boys with the pretty eyes,

And the ones with the cool disguise.

Blame the pretty girls who make funny faces

And blame the crazy chicks with tattoos; the nut cases.

Blame the photo's and memories.

Blame the rebirth and the remedies.

Blame music and the quotes.

Blame the self medications and home grown antidotes.

Because I said this was for the beginning.

But it's not.

It's just the same thing.

The same poem.

The same words.

And the same damn darkness i've been living in.

Breathing the love I guess I never earned.

I'm starting to doubt whether or not the sun was stolen from me,

Or maybe it just walked away.

Time is supposed to heal all wounds

And I'm becoming impatient.

I'm not saying my smile is fake

But these frowns have never faded.

These jaded thoughts are taking over

And love just isn't the same.

And where did the passion go?

Sometimes I feel like I don't want to be touched.

I feel violated by hugs and kisses, because i've witnessed

The ugliest relationships by touching.

Fucking is just rape with class.

Sex is shit to do to make time pass.

And making love is a thing of the past.

Because love never lasts.

Never will; never has.

Love, Tianamonique