FREEWRITE 063009

Twisted around assumptions, crying out for some type of escape. Losing the meanings, the truth, characters are written but their definitions are never defined, refined to the bone, it’s a cold world, and the winters are dark. Summers are lonely, spring is empty, and autumn changes all the colors of the spectrum. The leaves fall, the branches break, and what is left of truth, is dried and festering in sand boxes. The night’s lights shine through bleak skin, loving myself enough but still the air is thin, conforming to the reality instead of the truth. Bent bridges and seeing everything upside down, I need elevator arms to up lift me now. Somehow the roads are being shaped into question marks, raising doubt, raising reason, where is truth? Not the city, but the state of being. The state of knowing whether the proof is reliable; it is the truth that’s undeniable. Familiar faces reaching with stranger’s hands. They too have begun to turn into question marks, bending with memories that are faint and I’m beginning to wonder if they ever took place. Struggling to find the truth in love’s recollection, I search through the archives, hoping to find a scent of summer’s taboo; I know that I loved you, but I can’t find where it ever ended or why. The truth is hiding in mounds, yesterday sounds lovely when played backwards, I keep the records on a shelf right next humility, one of my favorite tunes, and then June plays the laughter that has been stained into living room carpets, it’s so hard to forget what you heart loves to remember. I know I need to accept the fact that I can’t keep you forever, but selfishly I keep your memory in queue, and when they ask me for my name I attach it to your last, not because I miss you, but because time is moving too fast, and I’m just trying to capture history before it becomes the past.

MIYM #13

Even if it is only one night
Strip me of my insecurities
Love the purest form of me
Make the floor beds cry,
And the bed spread curl
Place whispers on my neck
Hold me deep
Make it raw
Place our problems
On the nightstand and
Pick them up in the morning
This could be love.
But even if its not
I would still like to place my hands
Across your back
Embellish your name in high notes
Make music jealous
Even if it means nothing
Because I would much rather
Be lonely with you,
Than empty alone.

Love, Tianamonique.

Footprints Fade.

It’s so hard to tell time with the
Days coming and going. Now
Evaporates so quickly and sleeping
Only makes the nights fly. Clinging to
Fallen moments just so you don’t
Forget. Gone walks away slowly and
I can taste yesterday faintly.
How does one prepare for already?
Counting moments with dead rose pedals.
There’s no class that teaches the
Art of saying goodbye. Questions rising and the
Answers being swallowed by tomorrows
That never seemed to come through. Time always
Knows when to withdraw and then
Present itself when convenient and less
When appropriate. Snapping your wrists
To get the attention of a yesterday
Who must have forgotten how to say farewell.
Applauses come from forced kisses
Fallen upon cheeks that have become
A roadway for incomplete love spells
We become unfinished once the music stops
And I am of the Coltrane and Holiday kind
I have loved others but your now
Always overrides their then. Face beams with
Here and going stops when your
Footprints step upon its toes.
I miss you most in the mornings, though.
When the dew from the night before
Swelled upon your tongue
When the morning sun shined in perfect angles
Through my blinds
It was almost as if the sun asked
Your eyes to dance and you obliged
Speechless and in love, I often lost the words
To your smile [it was always unfair battle]

But I will not reminisce on days that never came
I will not play with memories that never happened
And I will never wish they had
Moments come when they are supposed to,
Never rushing and never late
Though I crave you still; I will not indulge in your
Yesterday

Love. Tianamonique

LOOKIE WHAT I FOUND =]

OLDIE BUT GOODIE =]
Dont think I ever posted this on my blog but whatev.. I was scrolling through my old word docs on thee computadora and found this piece lol throwback. =]

ALGEBREEZIE4MAHMEEZE.

You are my math.
My hardest subject.
Perfectly calculated to be as difficult as humanly possible
So I put off doing homework because this doesn’t make
Sense to me.
[yet it could be so easy if I got tutoring]
You, built upon formulas, are complicated
And I am trying to comprehend the math of you.
Trying to prove with theorems,
Trying to solve this equation.
you²+me²=see²
but our vision is impaired,
blinded by the erase marks from
our consistent mistakes.
There can only be one right answer,
Maybe it doesn’t live within me.
Thinking with math is pointless and useless
Cuz I used the right side of my brain,
You have given me reason to doubt my theory.
You are my “X”
The variable I am trying to solve for.
WHY? = EMCEE²

You spit,
But I can’t fit your lyrics into my
Equilateral.
The area is to complex.
Still, the mathematics of the problem no longer matter.
You are my vertex, my center.
My square root.
And regardless of the equation, the answer is always,
You.

MIYM #12

In case you are looking for me,
I left clues in your memory.
I was the calligraphy written
On green stones, sending letters
To the angels that carried your spirit.
I was the cracks in the sidewalk that
You avoided because of superstitions
The babies cry in crowded rooms
The emptiness that filled
Eternity; the definition of your
Nightmares
I was always in plain view before
You began looking for me
I’ve always been there.
I was always there,
But you never saw, never needed to search
For what was in front of you, my dear.
Isn’t that how it goes?

love.tianamonique

youneedtohearthis.

I was in love once.
I mean really in love.
The kind of love that you want to rewind and then replay
Because you don’t want to miss one crucial detail
It was like that when I was younger too.
When the wind would caress my youthful cheeks and
Follow me up trees and I would
Fall with bruised knees but I would beg to do it again
Just to inhale the sweet breeze
It was easy then.
Before I knew his name, before I understood his scent.
Because now everything I do will either be
Before or after I met him
The happiness prior to, and the sadness thereafter

I can feel my heart bursting into flames
And I can visualize what my insides must look like
A barren of darkness filling eternity, a lost spirit
Floating among broken dreams
Stairways leading to cold oceans; drowning in
The most beautiful misery
Overflowing with the letters he wrote on my heart
I can feel the ink bleeding
I’ve landed on the ceiling of heartbreak and it is here [of all places]
That the universe has shown up asking questions about nonsense
That I have no intentions of answering

Love is such a petty thing.
People lose real things like
Their jobs, and their homes, and their families,
Who am I to complain about the betrayal of love?
I do not compare my hurt to those who have suffered greater,
But in the end it comes down to
Heartbreak
Pure and utter heartbreak
No matter the immensity of the situation.
You cannot place a measurement on how heartbroken you are.
And I am.

I would have counted sand for you, love.
Praised every strand of your hair
Crowned you Zeus, played Aphrodite
We could have written our own mythologies
But there was distance
That left us human
An ocean and a morning sky
And now there is nothing but
Faint memories and
They take deep sighs in the
Middle of the night
And I wake up in a sweat
Clenching the pillow as if
There was another being lying
Next to me and then begin to sob
Realizing it’s not and
Everything goes blank and im still
Empty and alone, wondering how
Much more misery I can take!

There is only reality to rely on,
Yesterday is no longer my concern
Yesterday always leaves
And I’m so tired of being left
I understand that everything is
Beautiful in the beginning
There is love there is curiosity
There is excitement the sparks fly
But where does that all go?
Do those feelings evaporate after you’ve
Reached a certain level of happiness?
Where there once was laughter
There is now silence
And it stands still in solitude
And I’m not sure if I’m to blame
Or was it you whose heart decided, [for whatever reason] that
It would be better off without mine?

We become accustomed to accustoms
Blankly following the paths of
Bad habits formed in a matter of seconds
Days begin to repeat themselves and
Soon we’re stuck walking in a circle
Spinning ourselves dizzy,
Is this when we become insane?
Carving initials into yesterdays
Tree hoping to look back and remember
Who we once were
Losing our name to inconsistent promises
And knowing there is nothing left of
Ourselves to break; so the glass falls and
The pieces scatter across the floor of our sanity
How do you explain that you are putting together an invisible puzzle?

This is how it will be from now on
Questions arising and answers
Getting lost in doubt
Manipulating myself enough to
Believe that for that moment in time
For that period in history
For that second
I was that happy and deserved to be so.
There are times when, without thinking, I will
Suddenly lose my breathe.
Choking on tears before they even fall
This is crazy, I know this is crazy.

I am here and I am now
With my heart in hand
Sloppily put back together
Without any expectations
Without any restraint
I just want it to keep beating,
Keeping my soul breathing through
This chokehold of a condition
Can heartbreak be described as an illness?

Illness (n): a state of bad health.
Yes.

All there is to do now is remember.
I almost ran off the cliff when I came to then end of this road
I almost lost my balance but I looked
Behind me and heard the rhythm of my heartbeat faintly and slowly in the distance,
I think I might have a chance of surviving,
Even if I have to go to sleep cold and crying.



whatever.
tiana.

I read books, write poems, sing songs
I walk, I run, I speak,
Not that these things are insignificant
But I could breathe without them.

I lie, I shame, and I sin,
I curse, I blame, I disown
Though I know these things are wrong
They do not keep me from breathing

Summer’s haze looked right through me
And shivered at my winter cold heart
Asking how it was that I could continue
To inhale its sun rays and still be so iced
Over on the inside
Surprised at my ability to still be pumping blood

I responded and said,
I hurt, I cry, I melt
I fall, I spill, and I love
Though I have deep wounds
It does not keep me from breathing.

Before Sunset.

Celine: I was fine.. Until I read your fucking book! It stirred shit out from you, it reminded me how... genuinely romantic I was, how I had so much hope in things and... now it's like... I don't believe in anything that relates to love, I don't feel things for people anymore. In a way... I put all my romanticism into that one night and I was never able to feel all this again. Like... somehow this night took things away from me and... I expressed them to you and you took them with you! It made me feel cold, like if love wasn't for me!

Jesse: I... I don't believe that. I don't believe that.

Celine: You know what? Reality and love are almost contradictory for me. It's funny... Every single of my ex-es... they're now married! Men go out with me, we break up, and then they get married! And later they call me to thank me for teaching them what love is, and... that I taught them to care and respect women!

Jesse: I think I'm one of those guys.

Celine: You know, I want to kill them! Why didn't they ask me to marry them? I would have said "No", but at least they could have asked! But it's my fault, I know that it's my fault, because... I never felt it was the right man. Never! But what does it mean the right man? The love of your life? The concept is absurd, the idea that we can only be complete with another person is... EVIL! Right?

Jesse: Can I talk?

Celine: You know, I guess I've been heart broken too many times. And then I recovered. So now, you know, from the starts, I make no effort.

-honestly i've never related to anything so much. how beautiful is this scene? What she says in the beginning is exactly how I feel. Its everything Ive wanted to say captured in one scene. And then when she goes to touch him and then stops. *sigh* Everything about this is just amazing and the passion of his dream almost brings me to tears. All men should be like that.

love. Tianamonique.