Friday, June 5, 2009


I was in love once.
I mean really in love.
The kind of love that you want to rewind and then replay
Because you don’t want to miss one crucial detail
It was like that when I was younger too.
When the wind would caress my youthful cheeks and
Follow me up trees and I would
Fall with bruised knees but I would beg to do it again
Just to inhale the sweet breeze
It was easy then.
Before I knew his name, before I understood his scent.
Because now everything I do will either be
Before or after I met him
The happiness prior to, and the sadness thereafter

I can feel my heart bursting into flames
And I can visualize what my insides must look like
A barren of darkness filling eternity, a lost spirit
Floating among broken dreams
Stairways leading to cold oceans; drowning in
The most beautiful misery
Overflowing with the letters he wrote on my heart
I can feel the ink bleeding
I’ve landed on the ceiling of heartbreak and it is here [of all places]
That the universe has shown up asking questions about nonsense
That I have no intentions of answering

Love is such a petty thing.
People lose real things like
Their jobs, and their homes, and their families,
Who am I to complain about the betrayal of love?
I do not compare my hurt to those who have suffered greater,
But in the end it comes down to
Pure and utter heartbreak
No matter the immensity of the situation.
You cannot place a measurement on how heartbroken you are.
And I am.

I would have counted sand for you, love.
Praised every strand of your hair
Crowned you Zeus, played Aphrodite
We could have written our own mythologies
But there was distance
That left us human
An ocean and a morning sky
And now there is nothing but
Faint memories and
They take deep sighs in the
Middle of the night
And I wake up in a sweat
Clenching the pillow as if
There was another being lying
Next to me and then begin to sob
Realizing it’s not and
Everything goes blank and im still
Empty and alone, wondering how
Much more misery I can take!

There is only reality to rely on,
Yesterday is no longer my concern
Yesterday always leaves
And I’m so tired of being left
I understand that everything is
Beautiful in the beginning
There is love there is curiosity
There is excitement the sparks fly
But where does that all go?
Do those feelings evaporate after you’ve
Reached a certain level of happiness?
Where there once was laughter
There is now silence
And it stands still in solitude
And I’m not sure if I’m to blame
Or was it you whose heart decided, [for whatever reason] that
It would be better off without mine?

We become accustomed to accustoms
Blankly following the paths of
Bad habits formed in a matter of seconds
Days begin to repeat themselves and
Soon we’re stuck walking in a circle
Spinning ourselves dizzy,
Is this when we become insane?
Carving initials into yesterdays
Tree hoping to look back and remember
Who we once were
Losing our name to inconsistent promises
And knowing there is nothing left of
Ourselves to break; so the glass falls and
The pieces scatter across the floor of our sanity
How do you explain that you are putting together an invisible puzzle?

This is how it will be from now on
Questions arising and answers
Getting lost in doubt
Manipulating myself enough to
Believe that for that moment in time
For that period in history
For that second
I was that happy and deserved to be so.
There are times when, without thinking, I will
Suddenly lose my breathe.
Choking on tears before they even fall
This is crazy, I know this is crazy.

I am here and I am now
With my heart in hand
Sloppily put back together
Without any expectations
Without any restraint
I just want it to keep beating,
Keeping my soul breathing through
This chokehold of a condition
Can heartbreak be described as an illness?

Illness (n): a state of bad health.

All there is to do now is remember.
I almost ran off the cliff when I came to then end of this road
I almost lost my balance but I looked
Behind me and heard the rhythm of my heartbeat faintly and slowly in the distance,
I think I might have a chance of surviving,
Even if I have to go to sleep cold and crying.



chikk said...

" Carving initials into yesterdays
Tree hoping to look back and remember
Who we once were "

and you make words come to life , as if this is what th world has been dieing for . ily and i dnt even know you lool.

i think i can put a
thank you somewhere in here :)

Anonymous said...

ughhhhhh dude i swear you were holding my heart when you wrote this. i love/hate how everything i am feeling lies within this painfully beautiful piece. don't know you either but i love your pen lol.

tianamonique--* said...

Truly appreciate it!